


Remus’ difficult road to confidence

by halloStern



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:20:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22053928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halloStern/pseuds/halloStern
Summary: Remus’ confidence was not always there, he had to work hard for it. As a consequence, he did not think that he would ever be in a relationship. Firstly because of his lycanthropy then because of his depression and anxiety.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 17
Collections: Wolfstar Secret Santa 2019





	Remus’ difficult road to confidence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vixeree](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vixeree/gifts).



> Hello @Vixeree,  
> I hope you like the fic. It's my first fanfiction ever, so I tried my best but it may not be very good. I'm sorry in advance for the angst, I couldn't resist ;) The open ending is just because I didn't have much time left. They live very happily together afterwords.  
> Have fun  
> Victoria

The attack of Greyback happened so early in his life, that Remus had no chance to develop a confident self image. With the shaming and shushing treatment of his lycanthropy by his parents, Remus grew up knowing that something was fundamentally wrong with him and he should try to hide it at the highest priority. Nothing what he could do or be was outshining that part of him for his parents.

When he came to Hogwarts and was adopted into Peter‘s, Sirius‘ and James‘ friend group, it was a breath of fresh air for him. Of free air. Just to be away from the scrutinising gazes, did wonders for his everlasting headaches. He tried to be good for his parents so much and it felt never enough, so his brain was constantly occupied with possibilities of tiptoeing around them to avoid harm. That was so exhausting but also so normal that he did not even know that he did not actually was prone to migraines. Further, he had so much more energy! He head dived in the school subjects and was eager to learn. It was so nice to be around people who were not aware that he was a werewolf. To be a blank page where he actually had a say what others thought of himself. That was such a beautiful change for him, that the lying about and enduring of his monthly shiftings felt insignificant in comparison.

Remus would have been satisfied with that. With knowing that people never truly knew him and liked ALL of him. At least he thought so. He did not dare to dream of being seen completely and accepted (loved was not even imaginable) truly for who he is.

Sirius, Peter and James discovering his secret and becoming animagi changed him. It opened doors to his self love, seeing the love of his friends for him. Of course, he still did not have the best self image. Such things do not change overnight (or even years). But he felt loved for who he is by his friends and that was a true blessing for him. 

The disastrous prank Sirius pulled in 5th year, turned their relationship around. Till that day, Remus was ever grateful for any contact with Sirius. He thought he was in such deep debt for hanging around Remus and becoming an animagus. In hindsight, Remus thought to himself that the prank made their romantic relationship later in life possible. That prank put them on equal ground. Before, Remus was not sure that he had enough confidence to demand something by Sirius. Now, he knows that he has boundaries that other people have to accept. That James and Peter stuck to him in this horrible time, helped him to realize this. Further he looked to expand his friend group. Lily became a close friend when he needed to confine his conflicted feelings about Sirius. The knowledge that he liked him differently than Peter and James but also the truth that he will not accept being treated that bad, not even by Sirius.

Sirius showed that he was deeply regretful and more importantly matured after the incident. After two months they got close again and in Remus’ opinion, it was better than before. Remus was more confident and Sirius had developed some kind of moral compass and consideration for other people’s feelings. With that Remus fell even deeper in love with him. But the confidence Remus developed was more on the friend’s side. Like he knew now most of the time that he was a good friend and student, but a lover? That confidence was completely different. To think of himself as desirable romantically was weird. 

So he did not act on his feelings for Sirius, even when he knew that Sirius must have some kind of feelings for him too. That was painful but when the war started he was very grateful for the decision. It made the horrible time easier to navigate as friends and not as lovers.

After the war, Remus worked up the courage to start the therapy that he knew he needed since his teenage years. The war did not help with his anxiety and depression but it helped in a way because he realized that they would only get worse without treatment. Okay, that was not really the reason. When Sirius and Peter started therapy, he finally understood that therapy was not for the imagined somebody who has it worse than him but for everybody that needed some help to work through personal issues. That he was worth enough to try to have a happy life. 

Remus started to study law in Brighton one year after the war. He wanted to change the discriminatory laws against magical creatures like himself. University was a great place for him. He liked what he studied and got good friends. But oftentimes he got so wound up in his studying that he did not take enough time off for his personal life. His grades were still very much tied to his self worth and so he was always worried for uni. With the help of his therapist and his medication he got more secure in himself over the next two years. 

Sirius started art school the same year as Remus. They stayed in contact but did not meet up very often because of their busy schedule. The same was true with the other two marauders. But they all met up for Sirius birthday. Sirius invited a bunch of his old and new friends in his favorite bar. Remus was a bit overwhelmed with the setting but very happy to see his good school friends. Still after two hours, he was getting exhausted with the chatting and loudness of the people. He sat himself in a corner and sipped his beer. Looking around the room, he saw Sirius dancing. It was not the first time that Remus was mesmerized by the beauty of his friend, far from it, but it was the first time in some time that the attraction to Sirius struck him so unprepared. He thought he was over Sirius or at least getting to that point. Sirius swayed his hips and his shiny curls flowed around him. He looked free and at ease with himself. After some minutes, his roaming eyes found Remus’. His lips curled in a small smile and he danced slowly over to Remus. Remus was not often in the mood of dancing but Sirius was always his soft spot. When Sirius took his hands to pull him up, he quickly decided that today was one of the few days in the year that dancing was enjoyable. 

They danced for the rest of the evening together and Sirius pulled him a few times very close. Each time Remus’ breath hitched and he was not sure what to expect from Sirius. Sirius twinkling eyes were very hard to read or at least Remus thought so because the open adoration shining in Sirius eyes could not mean what he thought they meant. After all that time? Their school years and their never openly confessed love was six years ago and a whole war was in between that time. 

Remus thought about that evening nonstop for the next two days. He was tired of waiting, tired of rejecting himself before anybody else had the chance to do so, tired of thinking that he was unlovable. He was not yet a super confident person but he knew that he was a decent person inside and out. Remus reached the point where he said to himself “fuck it!”. If Sirius rejected him, if they did not work out as boyfriends...he wanted to at least try it. And in the moments his anxiety periodically got down, he was actually optimistic that Sirius would say yes to his date request sent that day.


End file.
